"Mom, I'm ok but..."

Two dreaded phone calls in just over a week from my 18 year old daughter who is going to college back in Georgia. The first, “Mom, I’m ok but…I’m in the hospital.”(with stomach pains that have been going on for a month). The second one a little more than a week later, “Mom, I’m ok but…I had a car accident.” What can I say? My worst fears come true? Well, not exactly. She is well and she is safe and there are a lot of people who care about her deeply who are taking care of her right now. Praise God for those things indeed!

Now, how do I reconcile the thoughts of all of this in my own head and these anxious feelings in my heart? I know this is all a part of the pangs of motherhood but how do I resist the urge to fly down there and scoop her up in my arms and bring her back to Iowa here with me? Especially when her text to me last night read “I love you Mommy.” She's still just a child. Some days I worry myself to the point of dysfunction but I pray constantly hoping that God has a bigger plan and that it will be revealed in the most timeliest fashion. Patience is NOT my virtue and the loss of control I feel is so difficult to come to terms with being 1,000 miles away here in Iowa; not to mention the guilt. I have no doubt that if we still lived in Georgia she would be living with us at home and going to school. You see, Georgia is where she wants to be right now. I can hardly blame her. She’s a tried and true Southern girl and the thought of being with her friends and experiencing some freedom definitely presented the elements of excitement and independence when she graduated high school in May. Boy, has all of that independence come at a cost though. It’s hard to explain to an 18 year old that her step-dad and I are not trying to control her life, but that she still needs our leadership for a few more years while in college. Believe me, we WANT her to become an independent and responsible adult who can stand on her own two feet and be a successful contribution to society. It’s not our intent to hold her down. We went back and forth before we moved trying to decide if we should give her no option and make her come with us to Iowa or let her spread her wings and branch out into the big bad scary world all alone with barely a safety net. I would never call her a failure because this is all a part of growing up but maybe her attempts have fallen a bit short. Certain things just have not fallen into place as I believe they should have by now and the hits keep coming. The school of hard knocks is a place that I remember all TOO well and have always hoped that none of my children would ever have to experience. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naïve. I know that I can’t protect my children from everything that comes their way. I mean, that would be detrimental to their development too. It always comes back to that delicate balance. Balance…again…always searching…always eluding.

So for now, I’ve decided that all I can do is just keep praying. I know that God’s hand is outstretched at all times waiting for us to reach up and grab His. I know that He will help us carry the load. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing here. I’m learning how to surrender to Him more and more but, boy do I want to kick and scream the whole way through! Where is the voice of reason here? I can’t hear it and I’m frustrated. So today I sit and drink my big bitter cup of patience hoping that it will get easier someday. I try to stay connected to Him and let His light lead the way; keeping the door open for my daughter and the light on…just in case she gets tired and wants to come home.

I just received some email from my mom this morning that reminded me that I am not alone. She found some poems and prayers taped to the inside of several of the many bibles that my grandmother owned throughout her life. Some of them so tattered and brown from rubbing her fingers across the words daily. My grandmother (Nanny) died in January of this year and my mom reminded me that she was a “Pray - er”. I know Nanny must have been there last night when my daughter Bridgette pulled out in front of that car and I feel her presence often reminding me that I’m not in control. I want my daughter here with me in Iowa; whether it’s part of the plan or not…or…whether it’s now or later. But, I know it’s not all about what I want. So here I am Lord, keeping vigil...waiting for your direction.

 

Two of Nanny's favorites:

Sometimes we feel so weary
As we go from day to day.
We wonder if we’ll make it.
Will we ever find our way?

But yet we keep on trudging
Down what seems an endless road.
And soon we hear God whisper,
“Take my hand I’ll share the load.”

And then all the many things
That we thought we could not do
Are soon so far behind us
As God helped to see us through.

It really is amazing
How the Lord doth understand
When we are weak and weary
And we reach to take His hand.

For He too once was weary
From a heavy load you see.
When He bore a world of sin
On the cross at Calvary.

He too knew of temptation,
Loneliness and deep despair,
Remember…in the garden
When He knelt alone in prayer?

He is a God of mercy
Thus filled with unending love,
Waiting to help His children,
Watching from heaven above.

~Mary E. Herrington~

Dear God, father of these Thy children and mine,
Mine for so short a time, always Thine….
Let them be fortified with knowledge, ideals and love…
Love for each other, love for their country
But still greater, a love for Thee.
They are weak, Father, afraid.
Life is new, filled with pitfalls and quicksands;
Help them…
Help them to walk steadfastly, heads high,
Proudly but not with too much pride, secure but without arrogance,
Knowingly, but with humility.
Let these, Thy children and mine
Attain happiness without the drags of bitterness
Let them, Lord always know how to smile
When things go wrong…
In their hearts always a song.
Let them meet defeat with courage
Choose at the crossroads with knowledge
Of right and wrong,
But choose wisely.
All these I ask, for them
But most of all
Love, tenderness and thoughtfulness
As only Thou Didst Teach us.

~Author Unknown~

Did you just say “church”? Stop…back away slowly. On second thought…RUN!

Ahhhh…here I am again in awestruck amazement. I continue to be lifted up by the outreach of love and support that my family and I have received from new friends and neighbors here in this place called Cedar Falls, Iowa. I have to tell you that I’ve never felt so much of a sense of community as I do here. People here are so quick to invite you in, to come see what they are all about and they want to know what YOU are all about as well. How refreshing! I’m continuously drawn toward that sense of well-being and balance that people seem to have around here. This place fits me well.

So, we’ve been going to a new church since we moved. Now, don’t get nervous and stop reading because I mentioned the word “church”. I know you…I AM you. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up in a very spiritual family who went to church every Sunday. I was also confirmed into the Methodist church when I was a child. I went to youth group on Wednesdays and church camp during the summers with friends. However, I moved to a new city when I was 12 and really never found another place where I felt like I belonged. As a teenager I was as far away from the church and religion as one could possibly be as most teenagers are. So, after becoming a teenage mom (go figure) I searched here and there for my daughter’s sake but never found a place that made me feel like home. Yes it was true, I didn’t want those hypocrites teaching my child something that I didn’t feel was true and authentic. They don’t know me. They don’t know my name. They don’t look me in the eye. I’m just another account added to their bank roll of the 2,000 people who are already there. I gave up, as many people do, and that was that. I didn’t need an organization to be a Christian. Plus, I had so many questions and felt such desperation and disbelief when I turned on the TV and the media was always focusing on those radicals and extremists who shook their bibles in the air and pointed their fingers at you. They seemed to interpret the bible in such a scary way that it made me want to run. So I thought… well I PRAY, I’m SPIRITUAL, I have FAITH and that’s all I need. End of story. Right?

Well, when our new friends and neighbors, Chris & LeAnn encouraged us to go with them one Sunday, I thought... well it’s a new town, a new scene, a fresh start, why not? Besides, I left my “past” 1,000 miles away back in Georgia. No one knows me here. Well let me just tell you, this was not my TRADITIONAL Methodist church where we had the Opening Hymn, The Worship Hymn, The Doxology and then The Closing Hymn. Oh no no no! This Call To Worship was unlike any other I had experienced before. This was an auditorium with a black curtain back drop and a wide open stage design with beautiful colored spotlights. There was a guitarist and a drummer, and a person standing behind a techno keyboard/digital sound stand that blurted out beautiful acoustics that were pleasing to my ear. There was even a smoke machine that filled the room to make it feel cool and inviting. Yes, this was a production! Where had I been all these years? So THIS is what people have been talking about! Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I LOVED IT!

Now, I’ll tell you that I’m definitely going to miss my traditional hymns. You know the ones you can sing by heart but you still feel the hymnal in your hands. But these NEW songs will become "traditional" for my boys and this makes me happy. To hear the words “I wanna go to church Mommy” come out of your 2 year old's mouth is so precious and endearing. And when you drop him off in the nursery and he comes home with a little paper crown that says "Child of God", it just makes hearts come out of your head. How about when you hear your 10 year old the next day singing a song about “God being his rock”. Why did I let my fears keep me away all these years? I feel sad for my now 18 year old who never truly experienced this and I sit and think of her every Sunday and wish she was here with me in Cedar Falls, Iowa at Prairie Lakes Church hearing the same message that I’m hearing. But, it gets even better. They post every sermon to their web page so I can share it with friends and family. How great is that? I’m so impressed by the modern technology that is being utilized here in this church. They keep with their message of Loving God, Loving People and Influencing the World using their technology. When you drop your kids off, you have to “check in” and get a sticker with your child’s name and a sticker for yourself with a corresponding number for safety and peace of mind. There is a café where you can purchase coffee and baked items and sit around and chat with your friends before and after the service. The bulletin only shows news and info about upcoming events and info on the current sermon series. There is no strict agenda. I get to wear jeans and flip flops and no one looks at me like I don’t belong. The pastor is on Facebook and Twitter. He blogs and influences people with his charismatic energy. He encourages you to reach out locally, nationally and globally to meet the needs of others. This is it! Now THIS is the way to get your point across my new Pastor friend! I want to listen to this! I want to come back again and again and hear more! Praise God for leading me here. I pray that I can return in service to others what this church is providing to me and my family.

For more information on the church itself, click on the Faithline link on the upper right to the PLC website.

http://prairielakeschurch.org/default.aspx

Wise guy!

So, with Fall coming and the whole "winds of change" thing, you know with school starting and schedules changing, I think it's time to make some changes with the sleeping arrangements around here. I know I can't be alone in this but I literally play musical beds every night.

It all started back in May when we had to stay in an extended stay hotel in Georgia for several weeks because we had sold our house. My husband was already working in Iowa and school was still in for the kids. Before that time, the baby loved his crib. That's where he preferred to be and it was easy. Take him to bed, turn off the light and shut the door. He went right to sleep every time. Well, that all changed in the hotel when he was in a new place, new surroundings and new noises. Ultimately, we all ended up in the king size bed together; me and both of the boys, for almost four weeks.

When we finally made the move to Iowa and everyone had a room and a bed, the baby decided that he didn't want to sleep in his crib anymore. He preferred a bed. So, it seemed easy enough. I would lay down with him at night in his room, in his queen size bed, he would go to sleep and we wouldn't here a peep out of him until morning. Yes! Success!

Well, then my 10 year old finally flew in from Georgia after staying there to visit with his dad a little over the summer, and, out of guilt, being that it was a new place, I would lay down with him at night. Yes, I know, he's 10! But my thinking was that he was sad because he had just left Georgia and all of his friends and his dad and well...you know the rest. That was July! It turns out, I was so tired from the day that I would end up falling asleep in his bed and wake up miserable. My husband was grumpy, I still had my contacts in, and I apparently didn't sleep soundly because my neck was hurting most mornings.

It gets better...or worse...depending on how you look at it. The baby got a cold over the summer and then started...yet a new sleep schedule. I would lay down with him first to get him to sleep. After he was asleep, I would go lay down with my 10 year old to get him to sleep. Then the baby would wake up because his nose was stuffy and he couldn't breathe. So, then I would go to his room and lay down. At some point the dogs must have figured out that I wasn't coming back to the master bed so they took over my spot and didn't budge when I urged them "off". Uggh! I ended up on the sofa just to hear the baby crying and calling my name again. Next thing you know, my 10 year old is awake with the light on and his glasses on watching cartoons at 3 AM. So I'm back in bed with him hoping he will get a few hours more sleep so he won't be crabby the next day. Meanwhile, I'm crabby and my husband...well my husband! These three boys are SO demanding! What does a girl do to make sure everyone is happy? I welcome your thoughts and comments. Please don't be too judgemental. It hurts my feelings...

So, this morning I get an email from my husband with a list of "Reminders" regarding our schedule for this week. Reminder #3 was - Our room is the one on the left at the top of the stairs ;)

Wise guy!

HOME SWEET IOWA - Part 1 - Summer in America's Heartland

So here I am, a Southern girl, moved to the Midwest. I can honestly say I have embraced it as I am seeing things through fresh eyes, like a child would see things for the very first time. When I arrived in Iowa on May 24th, 2010 not only did I notice that there were bugs as big as birds around here but my other thoughts were, it’s windy and it’s HOT! Am I still in Georgia? From what I understand, it’s been an unseasonably hot summer in Iowa. Well, let’s just hope it’s not an unseasonably COLD winter! I can honestly say, I’m not prepared. My body doesn’t know how to handle temperatures of twenty below with a wind chill that freezes your nose hairs and makes your eyeballs hurt.

So the one anxiety I had about leaving the South was being so far away from the Southeastern Atlantic coast and being so far away from the Blue Ridge and Smoky Mountains of North and South Carolina. These were places I adored and I felt a tremble in my heart just thinking about how far away I was going to be from these places that made the South “home” for me. But, this was my chance. This was my chance to explore new places, see new things and make memories for the boys that they would someday think of as “home”.

Most people ask “What’s in Iowa?” The answer was almost always, “corn”! In the airport I saw T-shirts that read, across the front, “Not Everything Is Flat in Iowa”. I laughed as I debated purchasing one along with one that read “What Happens in the Cornfield, Stays in the Cornfield”. Good stuff! I pictured flat roads and fields of corn, kind of like the scene in the movie Castaway where in the end, Tom Hanks arrives in the country to deliver the FedEx package to it's rightful owner and he is standing at the dusty, boring, flat crossroads. It is true that most of the roads are flat and they are all in squares so if you make enough right turns, you’ll end up right back where you started. However, I had arrived in late spring; so not only had the snow long been melted but everything was green, a green that you’ve never seen before. There were rolling hills of green as far as the eye could see. As I passed a sign that read “Joan’s Country Curls”, I noticed the sky seemed bigger here, and it too was a bluer shade of blue than I had ever seen. There were red barns with silos and tractors in the fields. It was windy, almost like being on the coast. That was exciting! I don't usually listen to country music but I felt an overwhelming urge to crank it loud with the windows down. This was much nicer than I had expected! My husband would often say the one thing he would miss about Georgia was the trees. Well, I have to say the trees are definitely different here and they aren’t as dense as in Georgia, but I love the WIDE open spaces. It gives you a feeling of freedom; freedom to roam with nothing in your way. This was going to be a great new adventure.

So after arriving at the new house and immediately hanging some pictures on the walls to make it feel more like mine, I headed out to my 4 seasons room. The first thing I noticed was that hardly anyone had a privacy fence around here. It was all open. Not only were there play sets in yards as far as you could see but one in three yards had vegetable gardens. Well, we most definitely couldn’t be the new snobby neighbors from Georgia to come in and put up a privacy fence. The neighbor next door had already been over with rice krispy treats and an invitation to let the kids play on their outdoor play set any time. Wow! That was impressive. Two days later more neighbors dropped by to pick us up and take us to the hoppin’ little ice cream shop that was locally owned and buzzing with people inside and out even at 8:30 PM on a Wednesday night. This was life I thought! I was born in a small town in NC but it was not like this one.

The next few weeks of summer brought many new discoveries. I kept hearing the saying that the corn would be “knee high by the 4th of July”. Well it was, and it was growing in perfectly neat and straight rows and ahead of schedule because of all of the rain. The sound of the sump pump in the basement was a new sound for me too. It was working overtime to keep the water out. Another was the sound of the storm sirens, wailing with the possibility of swirling clouds that mostly turned out to be just good old summer thunderstorms. The soybean fields grew tall too and swayed in the breeze like ocean waves rolling in to shore. There were small town festivals in the parks, farmer’s markets and parades; parades where the people were proud; proud of their heritage. There were pork princesses and beef princesses and tractors and American flags flying everywhere; draped across the railings of front porches on many homes along the parade routes. Small town bands playing in the park, Friday night high school football games, small town baseball games and long bike rides down the miles of nicely paved trails along creeks, with new flowers and trees and birds that I had never seen before. There were bonfires with s’mores on the weekend with neighbors, in the MIDDLE of the summer. It’s a thing around here! There were adventures to the local water park and late night cocktails on the deck under the wide open sky under the stars. There were no bright city lights to obstruct the view. The temperatures during the day in the mild mid 80's. In Iowa, there are parks on just about every block; green spaces and giant play equipment for the kids to romp around on and play and run free. There is sweet corn in pickup trucks for sale on every corner. The gas prices are lower because of the higher use of ethanol from the corn. There are windmills to power small towns. Nearly every person you meet is either wearing black and gold for support of the Hawkeyes or purple and gold for their hometown pride, the University of Northern Iowa Panthers. The kids actually play outside here. They play football and basketball and baseball. They make up games and use their imaginations. The sun comes up at 5 am and doesn’t go down until 9 pm.

As time has gone on, I have noticed that people are just friendly here; and not a fake friendly. People really want to know about you. They ask questions. They listen to the answers. They offer to help. They don’t seem like they are offering to receive anything in return. People around here seem to be looking for the same thing. Social statuses seem to disappear. People treat people more as equals. They are genuinely friendly people. Now I’m not naïve, I know there must be pockets of snobby people around here somewhere but I’ve been thinking; I had better step it up a notch. I tended to be withdrawn in Georgia maybe a tad anti-social at times depending on what the company was going to be, at any given gathering, function or event. That’s just the way it was there. I lived there most of my life and I never truly felt like I belonged although I have to say that I do call Georgia “home”. The people here though are active and keep the community active and involved. They realize the importance of education and focus on family life. This is a place where I think I can achieve true balance. I’ve met a great group of girls with kids who enjoy doing things together as a family but understand the importance of girl time without the kids too.

I’m so very excited about the possibilities for the future. We’ve had the opportunity to explore one of the many state parks here in Iowa and have decided to make it “our thing” as a family to explore a new one every chance we get. I’m excited that we are only 4.5 hours from our family in Milwaukee. We are so close to our brothers and sisters-in-law and are excited about watching their children grow up with ours and having our parents around to spoil their grandchildren. There are so many places to explore and possibilities relative to where we are geographically now. We are bordered by seven states so we’re 3 hours from friends in Minneapolis, 5 hours from Chicago, 4 hours from Omaha, 4 from Sioux Falls, 4 from Kansas City and 5 from St. Louis. There will be more to come as winter approaches and there are new things to discover so stay tuned.

I believe that God has brought us here for a purpose. For however long that is, I will embrace it. Who knows what the future holds. For now, I will enjoy the present, because it is a gift.

Is this heaven? No, this is the great state of Iowa! True Americana and I love it!

A Part of Something

I've been told recently by two different people that I should start a blog; most recently by my new found friend Angie who also blogs but heard that I had chronicled on FB my move from Georgia to Iowa with my husband's company. It helped me get through the roller coaster of emotions that comes along with moving 1,000 miles from home with 3 kids to a brand new town and a brand new life. So, here goes...

I've been in Iowa for 2 months now and I'm beginning to really settle in. I've been a stay at home mom or (work at home mom as I prefer it) since I had my third child who is almost 2. I got out of the real estate/banking business when he was born and right when the market started to tank, so it was perfect timing. I knew he would be my last and I can honestly say I haven't missed a thing and I've enjoyed every last minute of being home with him. Since I moved though I have had a strong urge to be a part of something again. Maybe it's the new town, a fresh start, wanting people to know me and who I am and what I'm about. My husband isn't pushing me hard to go back to work although we do have a new mortgage, a daughter going to college this year (back in GA) and two growing boys to feed. I feel like I should pull my weight in the financial department but will I lose the flexibility to take time off when I need it if the kids are sick and such? And is it really enough for me to merely be present when the kids get home from school? I'm not the teacher my mom was so I'm not sure how much I'm contributing in that department either. I really struggle with that. Why can't I just work part time at a flower shop or be a home decorator? That would be fun! Or boy would I like to start my own business. Maybe a home furnishings thrift shop. I would call it Dana Carol's Design Consign. Hey, a girl can dream but it would be very consuming of my time and energy. I want to feel like I'm contributing in some way without over extending myself as I have in the past. I was always volunteering for non-profit organizations, planning committees, working, being a mother and a wife and then wishing I hadn't gotten so overly involved. I remember seeing a refrigerator magnet once that read "Shoot Me If I Volunteer Again!". I wanted to scream it to the world as much as I wanted to volunteer yet again. Now, it's almost the opposite. I'm not sure I am a part of anything right now. It's also at the very root of who I am to have "balance". Thus, the Libra in me. So maybe this blog is more about that; wanting to be a part of something important where I'm making a difference but keeping it in balance with all of my other responsibilities. I don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket and then feel like I've fallen short in another department. Ahhh...balance...always searching...ever eluding. Maybe I'm just blabbing about an age old dilemma that all moms have. Thoughts anyone?