It’s also been a year of “firsts” for me. I had my first taste of true Iowa sweet corn, it’s the first time my body has ever felt minus 5 degrees (actual temperature), my first white Christmas, my first college football tailgating experience (Midwest style), my first child graduated from high school and started college this year. It’s the first time I’ve felt the true and complete power of prayer and what it can do in my life and it’s also the first time I’ve ever signed up for and been a part of a bible study program.
What an experience this was for me. Our church calls this program The Grove and there were easily over 120 women from all over the Cedar Valley who came to choose one of the six different studies that were offered. The Grove is a place to gather together and grow which by the very definition is a grove. We were told on the first day to think of the multitude of women that we were as “evolving through the seasons of change”. We were reminded that “when the wind blows, we will stand together like a grove of trees.” Standing together will protect us each one.
So in September, after pondering and praying and praying and pondering I chose the study Girl Talk by Jen Hatmaker. It was a glaringly obvious choice for me because you see, along with all of the other “firsts” this past year, I felt for the first time, as far away as I had ever felt from my oldest child; not just geographically but also emotionally. She was 18 and had stayed back in Georgia last spring to go to college when we moved to Iowa. I have talked much about her in my previous blogs. This 10 week study was presented as the “modern girl’s” guide to bible study. As women, Jen explains, “We are relational by design. We long to communicate and share. Simply put, we are made to connect.” As women, we scream out to each other “Know me.” I knew that I had two very specific relationships in my life at the time that needed some reconciliation. Both different and both important but I wanted my friendship back with my only daughter. The purpose of the study was to “reclaim the purity of friendships among little girls, while training our hearts to discern safe relationships.” This was all about relationships and I needed help. It started out with the very real fact that men were made to be self-sufficient but that we as women need community. The author, Jen Hatmaker reminds us that “Godliness is not an individual journey.” “If it were, then who is all of that love for? What is all that service about? Who are we to be patient, gentle, and honest with?” She reminds us that “Who we are at any given moment will be determined by our relationships with those who love us or refuse to love us and with those we love or refuse to love.” The author, Jen, has a roll up your sleeves and dig in type of approach. She says in her book, that never has she met anyone who has detached himself or herself from God’s church and became better for it. She reminded me that the “All I need is Jesus” way of thinking is a “load of bull.” She says, “It is not possible to be a growing believer without joining your heart with other Christians.” So, there I was in my first bible study, ready to roll up my sleeves and dig in.
Over the next 10 weeks we learned about the lies we tell ourselves and the lies we tell God about why we don't get close to others. We learned about breaking the unhealthy habits of our parents and what we learned from them about how to deal with conflict. For some of us, we were imitating the very behaviors we hated while growing up. The author acknowledges that some of us have suffered terribly as little girls. She states in bold letters that, if you have been abandoned or verbally destroyed in the past, you need to seek Christian counseling. “Ignoring or denying childhood wounds will never help them heal. You’ll stay a wounded mom, a wounded wife and a wounded friend. God has ordained counselors with gifts of healing, and they can help you begin the process of restoration.”
Jen says, “God asks only for our love. Our belief in Him is evidenced by our choices.” She reminds us that “God knows when outward successes mask the emptiness inside. He sees past sins and terrible choices and looks straight into the soul. He understands the factors that have contributed to the women we are today – the disappointments, betrayals, and sins of others. Our polished façade does not fool Jesus.” She asks us in the study to “Dig in with reckless trust.” And that’s just what I did.
What I really loved about this study and about this book and author Jen Hatmaker is that she taught me how to pray and what to pray for at the end of each chapter. For me, praying for specific relationships and restoration of those relationships was important. We also learned about safe relationships and unsafe relationships. Oh boy, was it a bumpy ride! There was a lot of sharing. I could have told those women anything. I mean, I had just moved here in May and they didn’t really know me. But then that would have been irresponsible and I knew that God wanted for me to grow. So, I dug in.
We learned that there are several types of unsafe people. There are the ABANDONERS, the CRITICS and the IRRESPONSIBLES. The Abandoners (you know the ones) are the “fair weather” friends. The ones who are around in the good times but the moment your marriage is suffering or your kids are out of control, the abandoners check OUT. There are also the Critics. The Critics are judgmental, speak rashly and create little to no room for grace. Critics are all about the principle and condemnation but neglect the need for love, mercy or forgiveness. The Irresponsibles are super fun to be around but are not dependable. They are always late, always a mess, too unorganized and never standing by their word, and even more, they are totally unconcerned about how this affects you. The author, Jen reminds us that “unsafe people turn friendships into a train wreck.” She reminds us that smart believers evaluate their inner circles and make careful friend choices. She says quite frankly, “Jesus wouldn’t waste one day on a toxic relationship. Why would you?”
At the end of that particular chapter on safe and unsafe relationships, I was reminded to pray for discernment of my current friendships. Not only did I realize the toxic relationships I was involved in and unsafe people that weren’t going to help me grow but I was suddenly aware of the fact that I too, was being an unsafe and toxic friend. It became obvious, that I was being a Critic in one relationship and an Abandoner in another. I was being an Abandoner in my relationship with my 18 year old daughter. What? Wow, was that a bitter pill to swallow. Yikes! This was not a fun look at myself in the mirror. I read that Abandoners had often been abandoned themselves. We (Abandoners) don’t understand what faithful relationships look like. Well, this would be evidenced by my last two marriages. I’m now on my third (a truth that I am not proud of). This was going to be a journey to a new understanding about grace, mercy, commitment and faith. Digging in was sometimes very hard for me as I overflowed with revelations about my life and the Abandoner I have been to so many. The way I stay bitter and angry. The way I’m unable to function in crisis. You see, I was raised mostly by my mother and my step-father but it was my father who taught me that by misbehaving as a child and even as an adult meant that I was cut off, abandoned. I learned from him that a conflict or even a simple disagreement resulted in a withdrawal of love from him. That is EXACTLY and precisely what I was doing to my 18 year old daughter.
As a typical teenager during the summer after her senior year of high school, I saw my daughter making what I thought to be not-so-good choices with who she was hanging out, with her attitude about school, her job choices and so much more. She and I were head to head with our need to be in control. I was so far away from her geographically and she was surrounded by what I thought to be other unsafe friends who didn’t have her best interests in mind. That made me angry. She pulled further and further away. It made me feel helpless and out of control. I obviously was not leaning on God for guidance or putting my faith in His plan, but instead, I was walking away from her shaking my head in disbelief and throwing my arms up in rage. Jen Hatmaker brought it to my attention that, “when parents detach from a misbehaving child, instead of staying connected and dealing with the problem, God’s constant love is misrepresented.” “When parents pull away in hurt and disappointment, they are sending the message to their children that You’re loveable when you behave. You aren’t lovable when you don’t behave. The child translates that message as When I’m good, I am loved. When I’m bad, I’m cut off.” Let me be the one to tell you that you CAN break the chains of unhealthy relationship patterns that you learned while growing up. You must first acknowledge it. Your children are going to disappoint you, period. At some point in their lives, they are going to let you down. By throwing my hands up and walking away from her because we had a disagreement, by abandoning her because of her behavior and withdrawing my love from her, I was only pushing her closer to her other unsafe friends and therefore further away from what true mercy and grace is all about. In Romans 15:7 it states that we are to accept each other as Jesus accepted us. I was challenged to answer the question during this study, “If you really believed in God, what would you have to sacrifice?” Well, for me it was people knowing the truth. The truth is, I have been an Abandoner and a Critic. It’s horrible and it’s humiliating. But, it’s the truth. Jen Hatmaker, through this bible study, has shown me that “truth is the front door to the warm, inviting home of grace.” We can’t know the second without embracing the first. Thank God, we don’t have to be good to be loved.
From here on out, I want to be a safe friend. According to Jen’s book, safe friends draw us closer to others. Safe friends help us become the person that God created us to be. Safe friends draw us closer to God. They influence us toward good works, encourage our development and are not threatened by our successes. They are not disgusted by our failings nor threatened by our other relationships. We are encouraged with these safe friends to give our time, give grace, serve together and laugh together. And most of all, tell them often what blessings they are in our lives.
In the hymn Count Your Blessings it says: Count your blessings, name them one by one; Count your blessings, see what God hath done; Well, I have a few of those safe friends I want to thank for taking me as I am, encouraging me, influencing me and laughing with me when there is a need for a sense of humor. To my mom Janis, my mother-in-law Pam, my unconditionally loving friend Staci C. who I’ve shared many years of pain, heartache, laughter, successes and failures with, starting in high school, to my childhood friend Tonia D. who was always there when I was in my young impressionable years and who has helped shape who I am today, my friend Milli G. who no matter how far away and how long it has been since we’ve seen each other, it’s like we never missed a moment. To my daughter Bridgette, as she matures and we grow together through lessons learned and the seasons of change that life brings. I’m so excited about our new friendship and where we are today. It’s a beautiful thing.
Oh the list goes on...
Not even the miles between us nor the years that have gone by without seeing each other could ever shake our friendship…
Mary Lynn B.
Brandy B.W.
April R.
Carrie W.
Carrie K.
Tanya H.
My sister-in-law Suzi
My cousin Jason Bracey - Thanks for always lending an ear and for checking in on me over the years.
Melody M. – This is our year to reconnect!
And to my brand new friends Sue H. Angie D. and LeAnn M.
A special thanks to Sarah and Jake A. for sharing in my pride and the love I have for my daughter and recognizing the amazing gifts I was given this past Christmas. God is good!
You ALL have been and continue to be great blessings in my life. Thanks for being safe friends!
I’ve met so many wonderful people since moving to Iowa (in my neighborhood and at church) and I can’t wait to cultivate those budding and safe friendships.
*Please note that all quotes (unless otherwise noted) in this blog are from the publication Girl Talk, by author Jen Hatmaker. 2007. Navpress. Colorado Springs, CO. For other works cited, please refer to pages 193 – 196 of the book Girl Talk which includes Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s publication on Safe People.
