"Mom, I'm ok but..."

Two dreaded phone calls in just over a week from my 18 year old daughter who is going to college back in Georgia. The first, “Mom, I’m ok but…I’m in the hospital.”(with stomach pains that have been going on for a month). The second one a little more than a week later, “Mom, I’m ok but…I had a car accident.” What can I say? My worst fears come true? Well, not exactly. She is well and she is safe and there are a lot of people who care about her deeply who are taking care of her right now. Praise God for those things indeed!

Now, how do I reconcile the thoughts of all of this in my own head and these anxious feelings in my heart? I know this is all a part of the pangs of motherhood but how do I resist the urge to fly down there and scoop her up in my arms and bring her back to Iowa here with me? Especially when her text to me last night read “I love you Mommy.” She's still just a child. Some days I worry myself to the point of dysfunction but I pray constantly hoping that God has a bigger plan and that it will be revealed in the most timeliest fashion. Patience is NOT my virtue and the loss of control I feel is so difficult to come to terms with being 1,000 miles away here in Iowa; not to mention the guilt. I have no doubt that if we still lived in Georgia she would be living with us at home and going to school. You see, Georgia is where she wants to be right now. I can hardly blame her. She’s a tried and true Southern girl and the thought of being with her friends and experiencing some freedom definitely presented the elements of excitement and independence when she graduated high school in May. Boy, has all of that independence come at a cost though. It’s hard to explain to an 18 year old that her step-dad and I are not trying to control her life, but that she still needs our leadership for a few more years while in college. Believe me, we WANT her to become an independent and responsible adult who can stand on her own two feet and be a successful contribution to society. It’s not our intent to hold her down. We went back and forth before we moved trying to decide if we should give her no option and make her come with us to Iowa or let her spread her wings and branch out into the big bad scary world all alone with barely a safety net. I would never call her a failure because this is all a part of growing up but maybe her attempts have fallen a bit short. Certain things just have not fallen into place as I believe they should have by now and the hits keep coming. The school of hard knocks is a place that I remember all TOO well and have always hoped that none of my children would ever have to experience. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naïve. I know that I can’t protect my children from everything that comes their way. I mean, that would be detrimental to their development too. It always comes back to that delicate balance. Balance…again…always searching…always eluding.

So for now, I’ve decided that all I can do is just keep praying. I know that God’s hand is outstretched at all times waiting for us to reach up and grab His. I know that He will help us carry the load. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing here. I’m learning how to surrender to Him more and more but, boy do I want to kick and scream the whole way through! Where is the voice of reason here? I can’t hear it and I’m frustrated. So today I sit and drink my big bitter cup of patience hoping that it will get easier someday. I try to stay connected to Him and let His light lead the way; keeping the door open for my daughter and the light on…just in case she gets tired and wants to come home.

I just received some email from my mom this morning that reminded me that I am not alone. She found some poems and prayers taped to the inside of several of the many bibles that my grandmother owned throughout her life. Some of them so tattered and brown from rubbing her fingers across the words daily. My grandmother (Nanny) died in January of this year and my mom reminded me that she was a “Pray - er”. I know Nanny must have been there last night when my daughter Bridgette pulled out in front of that car and I feel her presence often reminding me that I’m not in control. I want my daughter here with me in Iowa; whether it’s part of the plan or not…or…whether it’s now or later. But, I know it’s not all about what I want. So here I am Lord, keeping vigil...waiting for your direction.

 

Two of Nanny's favorites:

Sometimes we feel so weary
As we go from day to day.
We wonder if we’ll make it.
Will we ever find our way?

But yet we keep on trudging
Down what seems an endless road.
And soon we hear God whisper,
“Take my hand I’ll share the load.”

And then all the many things
That we thought we could not do
Are soon so far behind us
As God helped to see us through.

It really is amazing
How the Lord doth understand
When we are weak and weary
And we reach to take His hand.

For He too once was weary
From a heavy load you see.
When He bore a world of sin
On the cross at Calvary.

He too knew of temptation,
Loneliness and deep despair,
Remember…in the garden
When He knelt alone in prayer?

He is a God of mercy
Thus filled with unending love,
Waiting to help His children,
Watching from heaven above.

~Mary E. Herrington~

Dear God, father of these Thy children and mine,
Mine for so short a time, always Thine….
Let them be fortified with knowledge, ideals and love…
Love for each other, love for their country
But still greater, a love for Thee.
They are weak, Father, afraid.
Life is new, filled with pitfalls and quicksands;
Help them…
Help them to walk steadfastly, heads high,
Proudly but not with too much pride, secure but without arrogance,
Knowingly, but with humility.
Let these, Thy children and mine
Attain happiness without the drags of bitterness
Let them, Lord always know how to smile
When things go wrong…
In their hearts always a song.
Let them meet defeat with courage
Choose at the crossroads with knowledge
Of right and wrong,
But choose wisely.
All these I ask, for them
But most of all
Love, tenderness and thoughtfulness
As only Thou Didst Teach us.

~Author Unknown~