Today, I’m feeling down. A series of events that have happened over the last couple of months since Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s has me feeling blue. Ok…I’m depressed. I try not to complain and I always try to look at the positives but my feelings are what they are. I know it will pass but I’m being tested again and I know I have to draw upon my Faith to pull me through. Since September, through bible study and my mom’s group I’ve been learning how to be a better friend, how to be a better mother and how to be a better wife. Just when you think you’re really taking steps to grow and become a better person and better follower of Christ, the devil strikes! I know what I have to do. Sometimes it’s just so hard to do it, especially when it feels like a mountain to climb. Do I have the endurance? God help me.
Over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, there were some confrontations with family members that sent me into orbit. Apparently, some family members have been harboring some feelings about me over the years that I didn’t know about. In usual American family fashion, it came out around the holidays. Go figure! The worst possible time because all I wanted to do was play board games around the table and watch the kids play with their new gifts. How simple minded of me. I wish I could “unhear” the things that I heard; things that were said not TO me but more so ABOUT me; things that they have felt about me for years and years. I wish I had not felt like I was on a different planet surrounded by aliens who were speaking a different language and stealing my joy. My beautiful world came crashing down on me in those moments. I'm a deeply introspective person. I'm aware of my short-comings, my strengths and my weaknesses but boy was I in the dark on this one.
So today, it suddenly came to me after weeks of stress and a mountain of events over the last week in particular, including my first Iowa winter blizzard, kids home from school for several days in a row, husband out of the country and a stay in the hospital alone with gall stones, that… I am in the grieving process. I've been so hurt for the last few weeks and now I’m angry. It’s just now making sense that I am grieving the loss of a relationship. Relationships that I thought were true and loving with several family members are now gone. I struggle to find the lesson in this situation. I pray that it will be revealed. I do know that my husband and I are stronger because of it. We are a team and a force to be reckoned with. There is nothing like finding your husband come to your defense and come to your rescue when you need him the most. My husband always takes the high road. He's not naive but makes a deliberate decision to be different. I wish I was more like him. God planned him for me and it’s a revelation that has taken a long time for a doubter like me to see. Thank you, God for loving me through him. What God has planned is a strong force and will always overcome the devil’s plans for your demise. For my praying friends…please pray that God’s plan continue to be revealed to me during this time. I’m at an icky place right now. I’m not ready yet to move on but, I don’t want to stay where I am either. I saw an episode on Oprah two days ago and heard her say that “Forgiveness means letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.” This was a perspective that I had not thought about before. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean accepting that person back into your life again. But, it is neccesary to forgive.
One of my favorite prayers that I remember from childhood is the Serenity Prayer. My mom had a plaque hanging in our living room (in the 70’s) with that prayer and it confronted me every day as a child.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
This passage from Proverbs 3:5,6 also comes to mind...Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your paths.
I’ve had a LeAnn Rimes song playing on my song player at the very bottom of this blog for months now. It really hit me how much the lyrics apply to my current state of mind. Just to clarify, these particular events were not about my mother or my father.
"What I Cannot Change" by LeAnn Rimes
I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
I don't know my father
Or my mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
